Random Thoughts From a Random Guy

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Ow My Balls!

So in the movie Idiocracy (it’s no Citizen Kane, but more entertaining), the most popular TV show is called “Ow My Balls!”. It basically just shows a guy getting hit in the balls over and over and over again. Well, if they made a documentary of my morning/afternoon commute, they would have to steal that title.

And yea, I know, my commute isn’t worthy of a documentary…

Anyway, almost everyday, I get on the overcrowded Orange line and my luck always has me right next to someone who can’t control their purse, laptop bag, gym bag, backpack, etc. and it repeatedly hits me in the crotch. Now it doesn’t hit me hard, but still, I get no joy out of having a bag rub up against my junk.

It drives me insane… I’ve started pushing it back into them, exaggerating my staggering at stops so I can knock into them, etc. One of these days I might snap and rip the bag off of their arm.

So – if you ride the metro and it’s kind of crowded, please, please put your bag in front of you and watch how it swings. My balls will thank you.

So long summer…

Well the unofficial end of summer has passed and in a few short weeks we will officially start fall, but I realized this week that once you leave college, get a real job, etc, the end of summer just doesn’t really have the same oomph as before.

Back in the days when I had to go to school, the end of summer was dreadful. It meant you had to go back to classes, less time at the pool, less time with friends, etc. But now I hardly notice. Sure, it starts to get cooler. Days get shorter. But in reality, my day to day life doesn’t change.

I kind of miss the big payoff (and let down) of Summer. When spring used to roll around, you started counting down the days until you had nothing to do for 3 months straight. Then as you hit August, the dread would return that your freedom would be ending again in just 3 short weeks.

So… yea… just a random thought in my head that I felt like sharing. That and I didn’t want to do work for the few minutes it took.

A new month, a new post

Yep, it’s been almost a month since I last posted my musings. I am sorry to have left all of you followers wanting, so here you go, a brand spanking new post.

Was thinking of posting something that would be riveting or inspiring, but since I had two people piss me off this morning on my way to work, I’m going to go with an “I hate” blog.

So in no particular order – a list of things I hate.

– DC Metro – It’s constantly breaking, never predictable, overcrowded, and now they charge an extra 20 cents for the privilege of riding! I love watching 2 or more trains go by completely full most mornings/evenings.

– Tourists who talk incessantly to each other, constantly asking “What stop?” “How many more stops?”, etc…. There’s a map right by the door – read it, figure it out, and shut the hell up!

– Men and women with purses/backpacks/briefcases who can’t control said bag. Hold it in front of you, stop it from swinging and hitting me in the balls, take it off and put it at your feet.

– Self-Righteous bikers…. You want us to “Share the Road”, yet you don’t want to abide by the same rules as cars. The light is RED asshole! Why should I have dodge you as well as taxis while in a cross walk. Don’t get pissed when I come looking for you running a red light with my car and you end up under my fender.

– Bikers on sidewalks… watch out for me clothes lining you as you try to maneuver a crowded sidewalk, use the bike lane

– I HATE that stupid Zoosk commercial… I am not even sure what they are trying to go for? Are they trying to say if you try to use Zoosk to just have sex with someone that it will be clumsy and dangerous? I’d think that would be the opposite of what they are going for… they should encourage men to think they can get laid that way, so they have more members. If guys think they can’t get laid, then why would they even try?

– Speaking of commercials, can we stop advertising for feminine products, hemorrhoid creams, adult diapers, and other items of similar ilk. If you have these problems, you know where to go.

– Ignorant people

– Politics… Guess I should move from DC huh?

– Avatar – Did you know the 2nd most popular “sexy” costume on buycostumes.com is currently a Sexy Neytiri Adult Costume?

– But even worse, the most popular “sexy” costume is a Twilight themed vampire costume for women. It sparkles through the use of attached fiber optic lights.. and you won’t even believe where it sparkles. That’s right, all the twinkling is in the crotch region!

I guess that’s enough negativity for now. Happy September everybody.

Hey there, Boo Boo!

Wonder what was going through the Ad guys for the upcoming Yogi Bear movie…

Never thought Yogi and Boo Boo would like the fact that Prop 8 was repealed, but maybe there are a lot of things I didn’t realize during childhood.

Disturbing huh?

Things that make me cry…

Being the manly man that I am, it takes a lot to make me cry. You know, other than chopping onions.

But without fail there is one thing that tugs at my heart strings and starts to turn the eye faucets on…. Futurama.

Yep, a cartoon makes me cry, I’m not ashamed.

But it’s not just Futurama in general, it is one specific episode called Jurassic Bark. If you’ve seen it you know it (and you probably cried a little too). But if you haven’t, it’s the episode where Fry finds his dog from his time that was fossilized. He plans to take the dna from the dog and bring him back to life. But then he realizes the dog lived many years after Fry left and he figures that the dog probably forgot about him and moved on with his life, so there was no reason to bring the dog back.

This is where it gets sad. They end the episode with his dog Seymour waiting on the curb outside of the pizza place Fry worked… and waiting… and waiting… everyday for all 12 years. He grows old waiting on that curb for Fry to come back… And this whole montage is done while playing “I will wait for you” by Connie Francis. I get misty eyed just thinking about it!

So there you have it, the one thing, with out fail, that will make me cry. But hey, even spam bots cry at the end of that episode – http://xkcd.com/233/ <– on this comic hold your mouse over and you'll see what I mean.

The Power of Bacon

So apparently Bacon (yes I capitalize the B, you must show respect!) is not only the best food on the planet, but a potential deterrent to Islamic suicide bombers!

Is there nothing Bacon can’t do?

Apparently some crazy inventor from an organization called Paradise Lost Anti-terrorism Network of America (PLAN-A) has filed a patent for a Suicide Bomb Deterrent. Ok, that in itself isn’t too crazy. Something to prevent suicide bombing would be a great invention that would save thousands of lives.

Here’s where it gets a little crazy…

His patent is basically packaged pig guts/blood placed in strategic areas that, if they were bombed, would cause the suicide bombers body to be covered in pig guts, and thus would “soil” their soul and prevent them from getting their horde of virgins. So in these strategic areas, you’d have a package containing pig blood/guts and on the outside of the package would read a warning for any would be suicide bomber telling him/her that if they detonated, they would get covered in pig, or as the patent states:

“In accordance with one embodiment, the present invention as claimed is a manufactured device of self-defense designed to preemptively warn and deter the potential fanatical religious suicide bombing terrorist from otherwise detonating an explosive charge in close proximity thereto, comprising a frangible retention envelope containing material including porcine derivative, which is affixed to a substratum of solid yet frangible material imbued with porcine derivative. An operational warning notice adorns the front of said substratum, disclosing capability of said device to effectively deliver a retaliatory consequence in self-defense against a suicide bomber detonating an explosive charge in close proximity thereto.”

Yep… Crazy right? But what if it works? Will we see packages of pig blood metro with the below warning?

“WARNING

DETONATION OF EXPOSIVE IS GREATLY DISCOURAGED

PORCINE CONTENTS-PORK
NOTICE IS HEREBY GIVEN that the frangible glass amulet
affixed to this Shield contains a significant quantity of pig’s blood in a
liquid state. It has been treated with preservative and anticoagulant
additives. Further, this Shield is imbued with pig bone. Detonation of
an explosive charge within close proximity of this Shield is greatly
discouraged. Such explosive event is likely to cause the catastrophic
failure of the containment properties of the glass amulet and this Shield,
resulting in the indiscriminate disbursal of porcine derivatives over a vast
area of the immediate surroundings.”

Here’s his website if you’re curious, but unfortunately, this is the only wacky thing on the site… I was let down, I was hoping for some great entertainment, but left with just links to his patent request. Oh and his email address: Fat-AL@cox.net (wonder if he’s related to Big Gay Al?)

http://www.plan-a.us/Home_Page.html

Bacon – not just tasty, but a deterrent to crazy suicide bombers!