Ow My Balls!
So in the movie Idiocracy (it’s no Citizen Kane, but more entertaining), the most popular TV show is called “Ow My Balls!”. It basically just shows a guy getting hit in the balls over and over and over again. Well, if they made a documentary of my morning/afternoon commute, they would have to steal that title.
And yea, I know, my commute isn’t worthy of a documentary…
Anyway, almost everyday, I get on the overcrowded Orange line and my luck always has me right next to someone who can’t control their purse, laptop bag, gym bag, backpack, etc. and it repeatedly hits me in the crotch. Now it doesn’t hit me hard, but still, I get no joy out of having a bag rub up against my junk.
It drives me insane… I’ve started pushing it back into them, exaggerating my staggering at stops so I can knock into them, etc. One of these days I might snap and rip the bag off of their arm.
So – if you ride the metro and it’s kind of crowded, please, please put your bag in front of you and watch how it swings. My balls will thank you.
So long summer…
Well the unofficial end of summer has passed and in a few short weeks we will officially start fall, but I realized this week that once you leave college, get a real job, etc, the end of summer just doesn’t really have the same oomph as before.
Back in the days when I had to go to school, the end of summer was dreadful. It meant you had to go back to classes, less time at the pool, less time with friends, etc. But now I hardly notice. Sure, it starts to get cooler. Days get shorter. But in reality, my day to day life doesn’t change.
I kind of miss the big payoff (and let down) of Summer. When spring used to roll around, you started counting down the days until you had nothing to do for 3 months straight. Then as you hit August, the dread would return that your freedom would be ending again in just 3 short weeks.
So… yea… just a random thought in my head that I felt like sharing. That and I didn’t want to do work for the few minutes it took.
A new month, a new post
Yep, it’s been almost a month since I last posted my musings. I am sorry to have left all of you followers wanting, so here you go, a brand spanking new post.
Was thinking of posting something that would be riveting or inspiring, but since I had two people piss me off this morning on my way to work, I’m going to go with an “I hate” blog.
So in no particular order – a list of things I hate.
– DC Metro – It’s constantly breaking, never predictable, overcrowded, and now they charge an extra 20 cents for the privilege of riding! I love watching 2 or more trains go by completely full most mornings/evenings.
– Tourists who talk incessantly to each other, constantly asking “What stop?” “How many more stops?”, etc…. There’s a map right by the door – read it, figure it out, and shut the hell up!
– Men and women with purses/backpacks/briefcases who can’t control said bag. Hold it in front of you, stop it from swinging and hitting me in the balls, take it off and put it at your feet.
– Self-Righteous bikers…. You want us to “Share the Road”, yet you don’t want to abide by the same rules as cars. The light is RED asshole! Why should I have dodge you as well as taxis while in a cross walk. Don’t get pissed when I come looking for you running a red light with my car and you end up under my fender.
– Bikers on sidewalks… watch out for me clothes lining you as you try to maneuver a crowded sidewalk, use the bike lane
– I HATE that stupid Zoosk commercial… I am not even sure what they are trying to go for? Are they trying to say if you try to use Zoosk to just have sex with someone that it will be clumsy and dangerous? I’d think that would be the opposite of what they are going for… they should encourage men to think they can get laid that way, so they have more members. If guys think they can’t get laid, then why would they even try?
– Speaking of commercials, can we stop advertising for feminine products, hemorrhoid creams, adult diapers, and other items of similar ilk. If you have these problems, you know where to go.
– Ignorant people
– Politics… Guess I should move from DC huh?
– Avatar – Did you know the 2nd most popular “sexy” costume on buycostumes.com is currently a Sexy Neytiri Adult Costume?
– But even worse, the most popular “sexy” costume is a Twilight themed vampire costume for women. It sparkles through the use of attached fiber optic lights.. and you won’t even believe where it sparkles. That’s right, all the twinkling is in the crotch region! 
I guess that’s enough negativity for now. Happy September everybody.
Hey there, Boo Boo!
Wonder what was going through the Ad guys for the upcoming Yogi Bear movie…
Never thought Yogi and Boo Boo would like the fact that Prop 8 was repealed, but maybe there are a lot of things I didn’t realize during childhood.
Disturbing huh?
Things that make me cry…
Being the manly man that I am, it takes a lot to make me cry. You know, other than chopping onions.
But without fail there is one thing that tugs at my heart strings and starts to turn the eye faucets on…. Futurama.
Yep, a cartoon makes me cry, I’m not ashamed.
But it’s not just Futurama in general, it is one specific episode called Jurassic Bark. If you’ve seen it you know it (and you probably cried a little too). But if you haven’t, it’s the episode where Fry finds his dog from his time that was fossilized. He plans to take the dna from the dog and bring him back to life. But then he realizes the dog lived many years after Fry left and he figures that the dog probably forgot about him and moved on with his life, so there was no reason to bring the dog back.
This is where it gets sad. They end the episode with his dog Seymour waiting on the curb outside of the pizza place Fry worked… and waiting… and waiting… everyday for all 12 years. He grows old waiting on that curb for Fry to come back… And this whole montage is done while playing “I will wait for you” by Connie Francis. I get misty eyed just thinking about it!
So there you have it, the one thing, with out fail, that will make me cry. But hey, even spam bots cry at the end of that episode – http://xkcd.com/233/ <– on this comic hold your mouse over and you'll see what I mean.
The Power of Bacon
So apparently Bacon (yes I capitalize the B, you must show respect!) is not only the best food on the planet, but a potential deterrent to Islamic suicide bombers!
Is there nothing Bacon can’t do?
Apparently some crazy inventor from an organization called Paradise Lost Anti-terrorism Network of America (PLAN-A) has filed a patent for a Suicide Bomb Deterrent. Ok, that in itself isn’t too crazy. Something to prevent suicide bombing would be a great invention that would save thousands of lives.
Here’s where it gets a little crazy…
His patent is basically packaged pig guts/blood placed in strategic areas that, if they were bombed, would cause the suicide bombers body to be covered in pig guts, and thus would “soil” their soul and prevent them from getting their horde of virgins. So in these strategic areas, you’d have a package containing pig blood/guts and on the outside of the package would read a warning for any would be suicide bomber telling him/her that if they detonated, they would get covered in pig, or as the patent states:
“In accordance with one embodiment, the present invention as claimed is a manufactured device of self-defense designed to preemptively warn and deter the potential fanatical religious suicide bombing terrorist from otherwise detonating an explosive charge in close proximity thereto, comprising a frangible retention envelope containing material including porcine derivative, which is affixed to a substratum of solid yet frangible material imbued with porcine derivative. An operational warning notice adorns the front of said substratum, disclosing capability of said device to effectively deliver a retaliatory consequence in self-defense against a suicide bomber detonating an explosive charge in close proximity thereto.”
Yep… Crazy right? But what if it works? Will we see packages of pig blood metro with the below warning?
“WARNING
DETONATION OF EXPOSIVE IS GREATLY DISCOURAGED
PORCINE CONTENTS-PORK
NOTICE IS HEREBY GIVEN that the frangible glass amulet
affixed to this Shield contains a significant quantity of pig’s blood in a
liquid state. It has been treated with preservative and anticoagulant
additives. Further, this Shield is imbued with pig bone. Detonation of
an explosive charge within close proximity of this Shield is greatly
discouraged. Such explosive event is likely to cause the catastrophic
failure of the containment properties of the glass amulet and this Shield,
resulting in the indiscriminate disbursal of porcine derivatives over a vast
area of the immediate surroundings.”
Here’s his website if you’re curious, but unfortunately, this is the only wacky thing on the site… I was let down, I was hoping for some great entertainment, but left with just links to his patent request. Oh and his email address: Fat-AL@cox.net (wonder if he’s related to Big Gay Al?)
http://www.plan-a.us/Home_Page.html
Bacon – not just tasty, but a deterrent to crazy suicide bombers!
People are crazy…
I know, not really news… but it seems that every day I find more and more evidence supporting the fact that there are some real whackos in this world!
During my daily news perusing via Fark, I clicked on an article about a meteorite that hit outside of a small village in Peru. 100 or so people who went over to look at it have fallen ill (Real life Andromeda Strain?). At the bottom of the article were links to other “weird” news stories, including one about a man marrying his pillow…
Let me reiterate – A MAN MARRYING HIS PILLOW!
Clicky the Linky for the story: http://www.metro.co.uk/weird/816601-man-marries-pillow
Yea… people are crazy… look at the related links – “Man Marries Cat”, “Man Wants to Marry Cartoon Character”, “People will Marry Robots, Says Scientist”
To think, other countries let people marry inanimate objects or animals, while our country mostly prohibits humans from marrying because they are the same sex. Maybe the zealots are right!?!? If we let men marry other men or women marry other women, the next step is humans marrying animals… or pillows.
I wonder if Korea allows gay marriage though? Maybe they don’t and this is what happens, men marry pillows.
Random thoughts
Over a week since my last blog…
Told you it might be a once-in-awhile thing! So for the one person who actually reads this, here are some random thoughts that came to me the last couple of days.
— I hate, absolutely hate, Greenpeace sidewalk-spammers
— Predators was actually pretty entertaining and was a good re-boot of the original
— Avatar sucked donkey balls
— Avatar REALLY sucked donkey balls, sure the images were “pretty” but the story sucked
— People who were depressed after watching Avatar need to be put on a rocket and sent to Pandora, or at least the Sun. Good riddance, we don’t need them mating on this planet
— It was too damn hot this week/weekend
— I love maryland blue crabs and that my girlfriend loves them more than me
— My girlfriend is better than most of you, she drinks bourbon straight
— Why do people wait 30+ minutes to get into a sports bar? Seriously?
— Oh wait, I waited 30+ minutes to get into a sports bar, but only because we were trying to see our friend who was in said bar and never comes out near us
— But still, why is there a line to get into a sports bar when there is no special sporting event going on
— I can’t believe that crap sequels they come out with now, just some of the previews I saw before Predators: Step-Up 3D, Wall St. 2, Resident Evil 4? 5?
— I am excited for the following crap movies though: Machete and Piranhas 3D. Mainly because both look like gratuitous B-movies and were intended to be that way
— Only 4 days of work this week… so better get back to it.
**** UPDATE ****
Look how awesomely crappy this movie looks!
I am taking my talents to South Beach…
As most of you know, I consider myself to be from Cleveland. My grandparents live there, my parents were born there, most of my aunts and uncles live or lived there, my sisters were born there, and I spent my early years living there. Well for better or worse, I’m a Cleveland sports fan. Indians, Browns, Cavs, and Crunch/Force (indoor soccer for those of you who don’t know). That means that yes, I watched the disgrace that was “The Decision”. Yes, I know it raised a bunch of money for a good cause, but really, it was just a douche move by Akron’s favorite son.
I don’t hate Lebron for leaving, hell I don’t blame him one bit! If you gave me the choice between living in South Beach or living in Cleveland for the next several years, well, you wouldn’t have had the chance to finish saying Cleveland before I had my bathing suit on and my suitcase packed. I do have an issue with how he did it. He should have made his decision with class, a simple press release or small press conference would have sufficed. Clevelanders would have been upset and many would have overreacted, sure, but to play it out on National TV, well, that was like if you had proposed to your girlfriend and she told you she had to think about it, then you went to a baseball game and saw her accept a proposal from another guy she just met on the jumbotron, AND everyone in the stadium knew you had been with her for 7 years and already proposed. I will say this, I have enjoyed the backlash from Cleveland sports fans though – especially this t-shirt. (For those of you who don’t know, there is a rumor that Delonte West (teammate of Lebron in Cleveland) slept with Lebron’s mom.)
Anyway… Cleveland sports are cursed, but isn’t that what makes sports interesting? If every team and city took turns winning championships, would it really be better? I still think one of the worse things to happen to baseball was when the Red Sox finally won a World Series. I used to get joy out of watching them suffer… now they are just insufferable. The same thing will happen if the Cubs ever win. Cubs fans are great because they are tortured, give them a championship and they will just become even more annoying.
I feel the same about Cleveland. Do I want them to win some championships? Hell yes! But there is something about being a tortured sports city that is endearing. Something about being a fan through it all…
So, am I a glutton for punishment? Probably, I mean I adopted the Nationals as my NL team… and between them and the Indians, they might have enough wins to win a division. I root for a city that has been immortalized by other teams triumphs – The Catch (baseball), The Drive, The Fumble, The Shot, and now… The Decision!
*** Seriously, Google all of those phrases and you’ll have a sampling of what it’s like to be a Cleveland fan.
But in closing, I’m going to steal something I read from the Bill Simmons mailbag after The Decision – I am for now on using the phrase “I am taking my talents to South Beach” as a euphemism for masturbation. Fitting because that was basically what The Decision was for Lebron – an hour long masturbation session on public TV.
Epilogue
Hopefully will have more time to update… but until then, for those of you wondering what happened to that woman on the mule.
According to the song, she tells the aliens to stop, because she “ain’t lookin for fightin” and offers them lemonade and invites them to her house. Of course they accept and find her country home much more delightful than their UFO….
Smell My Mule!
Welcome to my blog –
Basically just started doing this to kill some time. Pretty sure the only person reading this will be my wonderful girlfriend, but what the hell…
Not really sure where or how this thing will go – I might get busy and forget to update or I might post random thoughts all the time. Only time will tell.
But a I guess a good start would be to explain a couple of things about the address and title of this blog.
Smell My Mule: In my younger days, I was obsessed with a pretty big fan of the band Phish. Still enjoy them, but not quite as much as I used to. They have a song called “Scent of a Mule” which, in true Phish fashion, really doesn’t make too much sense. It basically talks about a women minding her own business, riding along on her mule when she is attacked by aliens firing laser beams. She kicks the mule causing him to take a dump… She then warns the aliens to watch out where they go and take their laser beams away or they’ll “smell my mule” – I’m assuming this means they might step in the mule’s aforementioned dump, but who knows.
Anyway – this whole song is sung in a higher pitched voice and has a high-paced bluegrassy/country style and when the “Smell My Mule” line comes, it makes me chuckle. So I decided to go with it as my blog address. Kind of fitting – my writing is crap – and by reading it, you could say you’re smelling my mule or something like that.
Here’s a link to hear a sample of the song: Scent Of A Mule
Mind-Wanderer: We all do it, some to greater degrees than others, but we all will be doing one task or talking about one thing, while our mind wanders to other topics. I tend to do this a lot during conversations. I’ll start out on one topic, but as the conversation progresses, I will jump from seemingly unrelated topic to seemingly unrelated topic. Most of the time I’ll make my way back to my initial point… if given the time. Some might call this “long winded” but in reality, it’s just how my mind works. In my head, everything makes sense.
So welcome to my blog – it will probably be pretty random and you probably won’t learn anything new. Actually, I take that back, you probably WILL learn something new, but it will not be something you can practically use in your normal day-to-day life and you won’t be smarter for knowing it (but you might be better at trivia).
Thoughts of a Mind-Wanderer 